Following my momentary split from my bf, I was given the time to really look introspectively at myself. I had to sort through my shit and figure out what's so wrong with me. Now, after all the drama subsided, as I sit here early in the morning at work, I've come to some realizations about myself.

1. I spread myself too thin. I take on many things at once. I feel as if I need to challenge myself, to better myself by taking drastic measures. For example, this semester, I decided to take three production classes. Retrospectively, this was probably a BAD idea, but I felt it would be a good way to acclimate myself to the hectic, hectic lifestyle I hope to live someday. Perhaps challenging myself doesn't mean diving straight into the deep end. Maybe I'm just one of those people who can't adapt herself right away, and I just need to take time to adjust. 

2.  I'm a doormat. There's no nicer way to put it, and I hate admitting this about myself. I don't want to go so far as to say that I'm a push-over, but I do tend to sacrifice a lot for other, more so than they would for me. In my relationships, I always try to make sure the other side is happy. However, this comes at the expense of my own well-being. I end up being so busy taking care of everyone else, I neglect myself. I noticed this too when I worked at PacSun. Every time someone called to ask if I could work, I would take the shift (even if I worked over 40 hours that week). I'd feel bad if I didn't pick up those shifts, because I know that would be one more inconvenience for my coworkers. I also feel bad if I don't accommodate to my friends or roommates because I don't want to burden their lives.  I've always seen myself as someone who doesn't want to create conflict, but in doing so, my needs never get taken care of. I need to learn to ask for things from people, seeing as they are more than willing to ask for things from me.

3. I blame myself for everything. Tonight, my friend was worried about her boyfriend, who also happens to be my roommate. She asked me to ask my other roommate if he could call her. I talked to my roommate (who was out of the house) and after talking to my friend, he left the bar he was at to check up on her boyfriend. Afterwards, I called him to see how our roommie was doing, and he pretty much blamed me for being a buzz-kill and ruining his night. Moral of the story, I now feel like a shitty roommate. Just because I was doing a favor for my friend. He didn't have to leave the bar. He could've stayed and waited. But he didn't. And somehow his night was ruined because of me. I know it's not my fault, but I still feel horrible.

4. I have low confidence. I never feel I'm good enough, and I'm a very self-deprecating person. This prevents me from meeting new people (I'm too shy to speak to people I don't know) and prevents me from taking advantage of opportunities. I'm currently freaking out about graduating next year (like many college students) because I'm worried about finding a job afterwards. However, I have a plan for post-graduation. But regardless of this plan, I find myself thinking "what's the point? I'm not qualified enough for the job I want." I often find myself rethinking applying to graduate schools because I've already predicted that I won't get accepted. What's the point in applying if I'm sure they don't want me? Which also applies to my social life. I automatically think that people don't like me, so I wonder then "why should I be their friend if they already don't like me?"

I'm trying to work through these problems; I really am. It's just frustrating because I'm at a point in my life where I need to take charge and really have a good grasp. But because I let these four things get in the way of living a happy and fulfilled life, I feel I will never achieve the goals I've set for myself.