I wore a skirt yesterday. And I felt like a woman. And it bothers me.
I struggle constantly with being a woman. I want to be independent. I want to be autonomous. I want my decisions and my personality to be completely my own and not determined by societal gender norms. Unfortunately, I have the most difficult time coming to terms with this. And then I realized, trying to be an independent woman, trying to live my life on my own terms, is supposed to be difficult. Living a life, having a mindset that is truly outside of cultural influence is never easy.
I have something embarrassing to confess. When I was a senior in high school, I fell head over heels for this guy. After a few months, he broke up with me because he "didn't want to be in love with someone who was just going to go off to college." Upon getting my responses back from these college, I only got accepted to UH, and wait-listed to two others. Instead of pushing for the two colleges to accept me, I allowed myself to go to UH, just so I could prove to this boy that he could be with me. After pursuing him further, I was rejected. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I have to understand that I need to learn from this experience. I foolishly let a man determine a major life decision of mine, only to lose out on great opportunities.
And now, four years later, I'm at another pivotal moment in my adult life. I have a career that I'm about to embark on. And all I can think about is my current boyfriend. Am I staying in SF post-graduation because of him? Maybe. And I feel I am compromising once more my future for a man. I am falling into a trap that many women fall into. I am accepting my supposed fate as a woman, and allowing myself to surrender to these gender norms. Every time I feel womanly in a skirt or when I get emotional or when I spend more time complaining about men than discussing serious issues, these times make me feel I am failing as a feminist. I want to gain control of my life. I want to become a woman who doesn't subscribe to society's expectations of me. I want to be stronger. I want to be autonomous. I want to prove to others that being a woman doesn't mean I have to think or act or dress a certain way.
Being a woman is hard. Being a woman who rejects gender norms is even harder.
Being a feminist does not mean shrugging off all the norms of society, it means having the RIGHT to choose what you want to do with your life, your fashion, and everything. It is definitely NOT un-feminist to wear a skirt & feel womanly, that's a misunderstanding. Feminists don't have to look butch & be bitches, they can be feminine and girly, as long as they do it soley for themselves and not because society dictates them too.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, love wreaks havoc & creates a muddle of rational. -_-
I understand that being a feminist doesn't mean subscribing to the opposite of gender norms. Instead, it is about having the choice to my decisions about my life. However, what bothers me is that I only feel like a woman when I wear traditionally feminine clothes or act feminine. I'd like to feel like a woman apart from these times. I know that I have been wired (like many girls) to associate being a woman with being feminine. But who I am is both masculine and feminine, and I often feel conflicted. I feel conflicted that my feminine traits have negative connotations, and that my masculine traits are considered inappropriate. So how I actually feel about myself is at odds with how I was wired to feel.
ReplyDeleteI guess this was the general gist of my post, but I was unable to convey it is completely.
I totally agree about how these things & our own thoughts can create internal ambivalence.
ReplyDeleteIt's especially hard when when one feels at odds with one's self and the conflicting parts. It is so confusing/frustrating to try to distinguish ourselves as either/or (i.e. masculine/feminine, independent/interdependent, etc.), but I think that's what I love about what feminism really is. It's an abolishment of having to choose either way, of having to be forced into an either/or mold.
It's a freedom of loving yourself exactly as you are, and telling society that they have to love you that way.
I have confidence in you & all decisions you have ahead of you. It is definitely hard being a person with such a strong internal mirror (like yourself), but I know you'll always figure out what's right for you.
I hope you don't feel like I'm attacking you in either my comment or post, I don't mean to at all at all at all!! you just sparked some of the typing.
Don't worry; I don't feel attacked. I just think I didn't clearly get my point across, which I realized after your comment.
ReplyDelete♥ ♥ ♥
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